THE JMAC TIMES

I’m going snowboarding for a couple of days, so here’s a joke:

One day this mom is baking cookies in the kitchen. She has 3 sons, and when she goes to answer the phone in the other room, the 3 sons sneak into the kitchen and pour BBs from their BB gun into the cookie batter. They’re real troublemakers.

The mom sees them do it from the other room, and instead of yelling at them right there, she decides it’s time to teach them a lesson.

So she goes ahead and bakes the cookies with the BBs in them and then calls her sons into the kitchen one by one.

The first son comes in and she makes him eat a cookie. An hour later, he comes back into the kitchen and says, “Mom, I just pissed out a BB.” The mom says, “It serves you right, now go to your room.”

The second son comes in and she makes him eat a cookie. An hour later, he comes back into the kitchen and says, “Mom, I just shit out a bunch of BBs.” The mom says, “It serves you right, now go to your room.”

The third son comes in and she makes him eat a cookie. An hour later, he comes back into the kitchen and says, “Mom, I was jacking off and I shot the dog.”

Looking for a last minute Christmas gift that’s affordable, unique, and utterly awesome?

Well look no further, because I have 3 of the greatest, last minute gifts on the planet. Give that special person one of these gifts and you will be the hero of Christmas, worshipped more than Santa or that other guy that got nailed to the cross and everyone forgets about around the Holidays.

Here they are:

The Gift of Tires

Tires are expensive and nobody likes buying new ones. If you live in an area that sees a lot of snowfall in the winter months, tires are even more important to transportation and safety. Everybody needs tires!

Now when I said nobody likes buying tires, I meant you, the gift buyer, too. You shouldn’t have to go out and buy costly tires just because you want to give someone tires. So here’s what you do: get a large kitchen knife, go to your lucky gift recipient’s house, kneel down next to his car and get in a position that makes it look like you’re about to slash the tires of the vehicle. When that special someone comes out of the house, they’ll see you about to ruin their Bridgestones. Instead of actually going through with it, act like you’ve had a sudden change of heart and tell them you’ve decided against it.

What would have surely resulted in them having to buy new tires has now become a situation where they don’t have to. In essence, you just saved them the cost of new tires. There you go, the gift of tires!

The Gift of Peace

You’ve probably been invited to a few holiday parties, some at relative’s houses and others at friend’s places, right? And of course you’re required to bring at least one gift to each party, in some cases more than one if there are annoying little kids there or something. Plus, you have to interact with all those boring relatives and acquaintances you hate, and that just makes for a bad Christmas.

So here’s what you do: call up the host of the party about an hour before you’re supposed to arrive. Tell them that you’ve been drinking heavily and might have ingested some pain killers you found in the medicine cabinet, you can’t really remember. Make a point of elucidating the fact that you’re going to hit on the host’s sister (daughter, mother, wife, etc) and that public urination is a guarantee. Explain that you’ve been on Urban Dictionary a lot lately and have several new and fairly unknown sex acts you’d like to describe to the eldest person there. You also may want to mention that there’s a 50/50 chance you’ll show up without pants.

After all of that, there’s no chance they’ll want you over their house. By not going, you’ll give them one of the greatest gifts of all: escape from your abhorrent and belligerent behavior. It’s a Christmas miracle!

The Gift of Killing Yourself

Christmas is all about giving and being selfless. Just think about all the people who feel required to buy you a gift or send you a card or invite you to their house. That’s a lot of burden on a lot of people. Sure, you could sit there and keep sucking up all your friend’s and family’s time and resources, but is that what you really want to do on Christmas? Be a leech?

You shouldn’t. And guess what? There’s really only one way to stop people from inviting you over and sending you things: Kill yourself!

The best part about this gift is that it doesn’t cost any money at all and it’s wonderful effects on the recipients will be almost immediate. Right away they’ll be able to stop buying for you and thinking about you. Man, what a relief for them! In my opinion, this is the greatest Christmas gift of all. Just complete and utter removal of any problems you’ve brought into people’s lives. Not to mention, you can give this gift to a large number of people without seeming cheap or uncreative.

So have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year… if you make it that long.

-Wear a Bluetooth headset

-Wear extremely loud boots

-Celebrate your birthday more than once a year

-Take more than 10 seconds placing your order when the waitress asks you what you’ll be having

-Drink Grey Goose at a college keg party

-Complain about how hard school is

-Ask someone to get you a drink from the bar in a non-ironic way

-Expect sympathy after your failed suicide attempt

-Drive an Escalade

-Act as an authority on what people aren’t important enough to do.

Just a day after his NFL record 297 consecutive start streak came to an end, Brett Favre was involved in a fatal car accident while on his way to the Verizon store, authorities say. Allegedly, Favre was not paying attention to the road because he was in the middle of taking a picture on his phone’s camera and texting it to an unknown recipient. After running a red light, Favre’s car smashed into a parked van, killing Favre and severely injuring the 56 year old driver of the van.

“They say they’re going to have to amputate my legs,” commented Tom Davidson, the victim of Favre’s negligence. “But in all honesty, the pain and agony I feel right now is nothing compared to what that asshole [Favre] put us through every off-season. It’s about time that guy retired or died.”

While his fans mourn his death and his critics celebrate the end of all his bullshit, ESPN has been scrambling to figure out what’s going to comprise the majority of their off-season football programming, and who’s dick Ron Jaworski will suck next time he announces a Viking’s game.

I don’t want to sound like a Grinch or anything, but are you kids serious with this whole Santa thing? All you little people actually believe in this guy? Imbeciles!

What do you think those shaped block games are for? The round block doesn’t fit in the square hole, does it? Nope, doesn’t fit. Well a simple analysis of Santa’s obese figure and the shape of your chimney will allow you to deduct the following conclusion: the dude doesn’t fit! Wake up!

Additionally, your enlightenment about the Santa situation will be further progressed after an examination of the population of the earth in comparison to the size of his sleigh and the number of presents necessary to fulfill the wishes of all the children out there. They won’t fucking fit! It’s impossible!

Furthermore, the extreme absence of retail activity that would account for all of the gifts Santa makes/buys would bludgeon the economy around the Holidays, alerting major financial analysts to examine the source of this gap, which in turn would lead to some hefty tax evasion charges being brought on old St. Nick. He’s a thief! A dirty, rotten thief!

And while discussing the legal shortcomings of this mythical fat man, it’s important to note that trademark law violations would plague Santa’s workshop like the midgets that already infest it in the fantasy world in which it exists. Oh, you asked Santa for an iPod? Do you think Steve Jobs would allow an outside party to manufacture his products and give them out for free across the world? Apple products are price-fixed and the shareholders wouldn’t stand for that fall in revenue! It’s simple accounting!

Seriously, you little kids really need to get your acts together. Ridiculous. Just ridiculous.

So there’s a new website in the JMac Times network, which is pretty incredible considering I don’t really have a network. Can two websites be considered a network? I don’t know, whatever.

Anyway, I’m proud to introduce GladHesNotMyDad.com! It’s a site dedicated to bringing you pictures and videos of dads who you can be glad aren’t your own. It’s pretty funny, if I do say so myself. Which I literally just did. So that means it’s funny.

Mosey on over and have a laugh at some dads, and be damn glad that these dudes aren’t the ones who raised you.

Infamous Wikileaks founder Julian Assange, who was being held in a London prison on sex offense charges, was found dead in his cell this morning after reportedly being assaulted by a fellow inmate who claims Assange leaked documents about him and his boys to the public.

“Mother fucker was a straight snitch, na mean,” commented Thurgood Thompson, a gang member who is serving 15 years for the robbery of a Harold’s Chicken. “Can’t have no snitches up in here, dropping dimes on niggas.”

Assange, who was under heavy pressure from the US government after he leaked thousands of sensitive documents to the public, was apparently forced to cut off his own hair, after which Thompson commanded him to eat it. The hair became lodged in Assange’s throat, and he choked to death.

“I didn’t like that nigga’s hair, na mean. All long and white and shit. Shit looked gay if you ask me.”

Because of his fatal crime against Assange, Thompson’s 15 year sentence will now be lifted and he will be free to move into the mansion that’s been purchased for him.