When Do I Have to Stop Buying Shorts at Abercrombie?

The fact is that Abercrombie and Fitch makes shorts that fit me better than any other brand of shorts I’ve ever tried on. I don’t know why, I don’t know how, they just do. Maybe it’s because I haven’t gained any weight since 7th grade when I started buying their products, or maybe it’s because they tailor their shorts to the measurements of an anorexic Russian pole dancer. Either way, their cargo shorts just work for me.

Here’s the thing though: Abercrombie is for like high school kids. One girl told me that at 22, it’s not cool for me to be shopping there anymore. I think she might be right, because we’ve all seen the older guy on the street who’s wearing a tight Abercrombie t-shirt and thought, “Something is just not right with that person.” You can picture the 30 year old walking into the Abercrombie store – which pretty much resembles a preteen BDSM den from the future – and strolling through the aisles while 13 year old Asian girls with braces fold skimpy yellow tank tops around him. Techno music is blasting, the lights are low, everybody has a tan and is wearing flip flops in December. Something about an older guy being in that store alone just isn’t kosher.

And there’s my dilema. I know I can still get away with going in there now (even though it’s a torturous venture) but what about next year? What about a few years from now? I’ve looked far and wide for cargo shorts that fit me better and they simply aren’t out there. But I don’t want to be that creep who’s wearing Abercrombie later in life, spiking up my hair, rocking puka beads and sending the message that I want to be 16 again.

I guess at some point I’m just going to have to grow up and start shopping at adult clothing stores, like Aeropostale.