I Guess I’ll Weigh In On Charlie Sheen

I really didn’t want to write about Charlie Sheen.

The whole thing was old before it was new and yet people still cling to every development in the story like the outcome will in some way directly affect their lives. Well, I suppose there is a group of people whose lives are effected by it – Two and a Half Men fans – but let’s be honest: if you think that show is funny and you plan your nights around watching it, it doesn’t really matter what happens to you. Although I will say that I’m rooting for bear trap incident.

Anyway, the real mind-boggling aspect of the Charlie Sheen debacle is how quickly everyone in the entertainment industry/Hollywood/CBS/etc abandoned him. Forget about everyday Americans making t-shirts and quoting him. That’s too be expected, as a news story involving crack and prostitutes will always hold more of the public’s attention then something important (not like there’s anything else important going on in the world, right?)

Charlie Sheen is Hollywood royalty. He’s made millions upon millions of dollars for himself and Hollywood/CBS over the years, but when he gets into trouble and needs a person or organization with some power to step in and help him, he finds himself more alone than an Indian person in a gym… you know, because they smell.

Think about it: any other business that has put millions of dollars into an investment – an investment that became one of the most lucrative investments in the industry – would do everything in their power to protect that investment, right? Even if that investment had a lot of problems, it still doesn’t erase the fact that millions of dollars are pouring into your pockets because of it. And in the case of Sheen, the amelioration is incredibly easy. Way more easy than, say, fixing a hole in a supply line or developing a competitive marketing campaign.

What did CBS need to do to stop all this from happening, keep the show on the air and thus keep caking off of Sheen’s mere presence? Simple. Be his friend.

All those idiots had to do was be Charlie Sheen’s friend and none of this would have ever went down. Nobody and I mean nobody who watches that horrible show he’s on gives two fucks what he does when he’s not on their screen. Smoking coke? Having threesomes with pornstars? Benders for days? All of that is fine. As long as the dude is delivering his lines on the scheduled time every week, all is right in the world.

There really couldn’t be a better illustration of how the entertainment industry is so quick to resort to cannibalism. As soon as this thing started, it was Charlie Sheen vs. The Machine. One man taking on the whole system, the irony being that it was the system who started the fight. Being a raging drug addict addict and lothario is nothing new in Hollywood. But in this case, people are acting like it is. I’m not saying what he does is right or healthy, but it’s what he does nonetheless.

The other annoyance of this shit storm is all the people who suddenly started worshipping Charlie Sheen like he’s some sort of god. The dude is a crazy – untalented if you ask me – drug addict who’s on one of the most unfunny shows ever. Yes, he fucks porn stars, but he pays them.  Yes, he’s rich, but he was handed the opportunity to become so. I mean I’ll go out right now and buy a bunch of coke, go on a bender, pay fake women to suck my dick and start raving like a lunatic. Wanna party with me?

Bottom line: who cares? The dude should be able to do whatever he wants within the law, and if he gets caught operating outside the law, he should be punished. Same way with every other person in this country. CBS fucked up and turned on him, now they’ve created a monster fueled by the idiots in this country who are glued to his interviews and hanging on his every word.

The news fucking sucks.