About Birthdays…

Man, is there anything more exciting than having a birthday?

The answer is yes. With an exclamation point and maybe a few extra s’s to hammer the point home.

Birthdays are not an accomplishment. You didn’t achieve your birth. In fact, you had no part in your birth whatsoever. The mailman who delivered mail to a house that wasn’t your parent’s had exactly as much to do with your birth as you did.

Now look, I’m not a big enough curmudgeon to come out and say that you should never celebrate your birthday. That’s what Jehovah’s Witnesses do, and we all know that Jehovah’s Witnesses aren’t real people. Of course you should celebrate your birthday, but you should do so while abiding by three very important regulations. These regulations are as follows:

1. No Throwing Your Own Party

If you have to plan and organize your own birthday party, then it’s probably better to just take the time and money you were going to invest in the party and use it to move to another country, because in the one you currently reside, you have no friends or family that care about you. Either that, or you actually think that a birthday party is something important enough to warrant full creative control, in which case you should just hit your head against the wall until all of the stupid drains out of your nose.

2. No Designated Present Opening Ceremony

How fucking old are you? If the answer is ten or above, then your days of opening presents in front of everyone are over and done with. Sorry, that’s just the way it is. I can’t think of a larger display of raw snobbishness than to show a group of people the new things you just got for free and expect them to display positive emotions and reactions throughout the duration of the show. Do you know why little kids open their presents in front of everyone? It’s because little kids are like feral dogs and only care about themselves. So if you don’t consider yourself a feral dog, then save the unwrapping until everyone’s gone.

3. No Celebrating Your Birthday More Than Once

This is the most important rule of all. The fact that you get a party for an event that you had absolutely nothing to do with is mind boggling in itself, but the fact that you would think it’s somehow acceptable to direct the spotlight on yourself more than once for this event is utterly disturbing. That’s like being the guest of honor at two parties for Tom Brady’s MVP selection. You didn’t accomplish it, but you’re celebrating it more than once. Be lucky for all of that free shit and attention you got last night, because if you look at what happened through a scope of realism, you pretty much just stole time and money from your friends and family.

But most importantly, have a happy birthday!