I haven’t posted here in like three weeks, and here are two possible reasons why:
1. While in a back alley waiting on a prostitute I procured from Craigslist, I dropped the cigarette lighter on my lap as I was lifting it to light a Newport. In my haste to get the scolding lighter off my thigh, I accidentally put the car into drive and simultaneously hit the gas pedal. As I lurched forward, a large black man crossed the street and I ran him over with my car.
Getting out to see if he was alright, I immediately noticed the huge gun he was carrying on his waist. He stood up looking extremely angry and before he could pull the gun out, I went on the offensive and attacked him. We rolled around, throwing punches, head-butts and knees, until we eventually rolled through the front door of a local pawn shop.
Once inside, the gun fell onto the ground and we both scrambled for it, but before either of us could reach it, the proprietor of the shop put his foot on it and took it away from us. As me and this large black man laid bloody and bruised on the ground, I heard the store manager get on the phone and say, “Zed, it’s Maynard. Yeah, the Spider just caught a couple of flies.”
Shortly after that, I was knocked unconscious. When I awoke later after an unknown period of time, I was gagged and tied to a chair next to the large black man. Another man showed up, and then the Gimp was brought out, and I’d actually rather not go into the rest of the details as they are slightly embarrassing and may damage my pristine reputation as both a heterosexual man and a person who does not cry.
Although these events happened in the span of only one day, the emotional recovery has been painful and arduous, and that is the reason I haven’t written in so long.
2. I’ve had writer’s block.
